Finding Meaning
by Pokeyshadow
Summary: Short. One shot. Peter contemplates after a near death experience.


What happens when you die?

It's an ageless question that few have the answer for.

What happens when you experience a near death?

Answers vary. You see your loved ones and your favorite pets. It's beautiful. It's paradise. It's nothing. Black and gray and hollow.

For Peter Burke, he remembers nothing.

For the ten minutes and fifty-one seconds he was clinically dead he saw nothing.

He doesn't remember the power line he stepped on.

He doesn't remember Neal and Jones keeping him alive until help came.

He doesn't remember the ambulance ride when they got his heart beating.

He doesn't remember the two days in ICU where his life teetered on a slippery slope.

He remembers waking up in horrible pain.

He remembers the look in Elizabeth's eyes and he didn't need to ask how bad it was.

He remembers the relief they felt when the doctors declared he would make a full recovery.

And now he just felt old as he sat at the kitchen table, trying to muster up the strength it would take to stumble to the sofa.

It would take time they said. His strength would come back, along with his appetite and the ability to care for himself. He had heard every cliché that existed and he was sick of them all.

"Peter?"

The agent silently swore as Neal entered the kitchen.

"Who let you in?"

"Elizabeth left the door unlocked."

"Why'd she call you? And who told you to sit?" Peter added harshly as Neal made himself comfortable at the table.

"Stop staring at me" Peter demanded as Neal calmly watched him.

"Peter, I've seen Elizabeth cry a lot the last two weeks but I never expected a call like today."

"I said I was sorry." Peter stood, and waited for his body to stop swaying. He brushed off Neal's offered hand and limped to the place he stayed most of the time.

Once seated Peter grabbed the remote and turned the volume up; drowning out any hopes that Neal had of talking.

Neal noticed how hard the agent was breathing and sat in the recliner, giving Peter time to catch his breath.

"Neal, why are you here?" Peter asked once he could talk again.

"Because your wife needed a break and she didn't want to leave you alone. And don't tell me your fine" Neal quipped when Peter opened his mouth to protest.

"I'm not fine" Peter admitted as he slammed the remote down. "Neal, I take care of people. That's my job. Do you know how hard it is when you can't stand long enough to take a leak?"

"Not really" Neal answered with a slight smirk. "I suppose telling you it will get better won't help."

"No it won't."

"Then I won't waste my breath" Neal whispered as he continued to watch his friend. "Peter, what's really wrong?"

Peter turned and eyed him before lowering his gaze.

"Why am I alive?" he asked so quietly Neal barely heard him.

Speechless, Neal sidled over to the sofa and sat down next to Peter. He waited in silence for his friend to continue.

"Most don't survive what happened to me. I don't understand why I did."

"Does there have to be a reason?" Neal asked for lack of anything better. "Peter, you were lucky. We were with you and knew what do to."

"I know. And I'll always be grateful but..."

"But nothing" Neal interrupted, briefly grasping Peter's shoulder. "You're alive and that's all that matters." Neal stood abruptly. "Let's go out" he said suddenly.

"Really?" Peter eyed him. "I can barely walk if you haven't noticed."

"I have June's car and it's nice out. Let's go for a ride."

"Should I remind you that your license is expired?"

"No" Neal answered brightly. "Come on. Get changed and we'll go." Neal pointed towards the staircase and then glanced back at Peter who didn't budge.

"Change of plans. I'll get some clothes and you'll change down here." Neal raced upstairs and returned a few minutes later with a pair of sweats and a clean t-shirt. He turned his back and allowed Peter a few minutes of privacy to get dressed.

Getting to the car took forever as Peter had to stop every few steps and he refused any help so Neal could only shadow him in case he fell.

"Where to?" Neal asked when they were both seated.

"I don't care" Peter mumbled as he leaned back and closed his eyes.

"OK then" Neal remarked pulling away from the curb. "Driver's choice" he added as he rolled the windows down to allow the fresh air to circulate.

Twenty minutes later Neal was still driving and Peter was quiet with his face towards the window, enjoying the cool wind that hit him. "Stop" Peter blurted out as Neal glanced sideways.

He turned and pulled into a parking lot. "You want to stop at a church?" he asked incredulously. "Peter, I didn't think you were into religion."

"I'm not." Peter said as he slowly exited the car. Once inside Peter collapsed in the nearest pew with Neal beside him.

"Peter..."

"Quiet."

"Why?"

"Because it's a church" Peter whispered.

"There's no one here besides us" Neal remarked loudly. "Do you think God cares how loud I am?"

Peter groaned. The silence lasted only ten minutes.

"Did you find your answers yet?"

"No."

"Do you expect to?"

"Not really." Peter sighed. "I'm ready to go if you are."

Neal didn't need any encouragement as he jumped out of the pew and waited by the car for Peter.

"Let's go for a burger" Peter suggested as they pulled out of the lot.

* * *

Peter was back in his accustomed spot with the remote in his hand trying to find something to watch. Neal paced. His phone vibrated and he checked the text from Elizabeth.

"Peter, Elizabeth wants to know if I can stay longer."

"Fine with me" the agent answered as he finally settled on ESPN.

"Can we watch something else?" Neal asked as he sat on the sofa, next to Peter.

"Go pick out a movie." Neal walked to the cabinet and started going through the stack of DVD's.

"How about The Godfather?" He held one up.

"Pick something made after you were born" Peter remarked.

"The Sting." Neal shook his head. "Do you have anything filmed in this century?"

"Shut up and put The Sting in. You'll enjoy it."

Neal put the DVD in and settled back on the sofa. "Peter, most people get a reward for saving a life."

"Neal, what do you want?"

"There's a new art exhibit..."

"And it's out of your radius" Peter finished. Neal nodded.

"Neal, I'm in no shape..."

"We can get you a wheelchair."

"No."

"Scooter?"

"No" Peter answered louder. He could feel Neal sulking beside him. "How about I find you an escort?" Peter suggested.

"OK." Neal sat up straighter. "Peter, what if you don't find the answers you're looking for?"

"I'll be fine."

"You sure?"

"I'm sure."

"If it helps I'm glad you didn't die."

Peter chuckled. "It helps" he quietly said before starting the movie.

* * *

It was nearly midnight when Elizabeth returned home.

"Hey" she said as Neal jumped up to greet her. "How is he?" She pointed towards Peter who was sound to sleep on the sofa.

"He's fine. Fell asleep long before the movie ended."

"Thank you." Elizabeth hugged him tightly. "Would you do it again?"

"Sure." Neal smiled. "Call me when you need a break." Elizabeth watched him walk to the car and then approached her husband.

"Hon" Peter whispered as he lifted his head. "I'm sorry..."

"I know." Elizabeth gently kissed him. "How about I get the sleeping bags and join you down here tonight?"

Peter nodded sleepily. "It will get better" he quietly said to his wife's retreating back. Maybe Neal was right. Maybe he was just lucky; or maybe it was meant to be.


End file.
